LONDON — If you’re planning a visit to the British Museum hoping to immerse yourself in the rich tapestry of British history, allow us to save you the Tube fare. The only thing remotely British about this museum is the unwaveringly polite, passive-aggressive queue to get in—and even that was organized using ancient Mesopotamian crowd control techniques.

Upon entering, visitors are immediately greeted not by portraits of Queen Victoria or dusty World War relics, but by an Egyptian sarcophagus wondering how it ended up 2,000 miles and a colonial expedition away from home. From there, it’s a non-stop guilt trip through centuries of looting so expansive it makes your local cat burglar look like a conscientious objector.

The museum boasts a truly global collection, proudly featuring artifacts from countries that Britain once diplomatically “borrowed” them from—during invasions, occupations, and the occasional tea-fueled treasure hunt. Highlights include:

• Greece’s dignity
• Egypt’s burial rights
• India’s patience
• And Nigeria’s complete sense of bewilderment

“We’re preserving world heritage,” said one museum curator, while standing in front of a 3,000-year-old tablet from Iraq that’s been preserved exclusively in London since it was ‘rescued’ from its own country by a guy named Colin in 1872.

Even the gift shop refuses to commit to Britain. You’d think it would be Big Ben keychains and Yorkshire tea tins, but no—it’s papyrus bookmarks, samurai fridge magnets, and “authentic” Moai head bottle openers.

The queue though was spectacular and entirely British.