TOPEKA, KS — As the cost of raising a child continues to skyrocket and the dream of affordable childcare drifts further into the smog-filled distance, American parents across the nation are reportedly preparing for their newborns’ futures the old-fashioned way—by weighing the pros and cons of classic child labor placements.

“We just want what’s best for little Mason,” said Heather Wilkinson, 32, lovingly swaddling her 3-week-old son while scrolling through a pamphlet titled Cotton Mills: More Lost Fingers, More Character. “Sure, there’s a 40% chance he loses a pinky, but those who survive usually develop the kind of grit you just can’t get from Montessori.”

Other parents expressed interest in “modernised heritage programs” like Shein subcontractor internships, which offer the hands-on textile education that used to be reserved for Dickensian orphans.

“Forget shopping online,” said Dakota Vance, 28, holding her daughter over a pile of repurposed gurney sacks. “She can make the clothes. Self-reliance. Fast fashion. Tiny nimble hands. It’s the American dream—made in America, by Americans, for 13 cents an hour.”

Agricultural placements are also trending. Many see strawberry farms as a win-win: fresh air, child-size ergonomics, and reduced need for bending.

“Kids are low to the ground. They’re built for berry-picking,” said one recruiter from BerryBoss™ Farms. “They practically are strawberries. With legs.”

However, the most sought-after assignment remains the mines, where many parents report their children already display a deep, almost ancestral yearning for coal-stained darkness.

“They spend hours in Minecraft,” said father and amateur coal enthusiast Jared McPherson. “Mining fake diamonds, building fake shafts—our kids are literally begging to go back underground. It’s in their blood. And probably their lungs.”

According to a new Gallup survey, 74% of American children aged 4–12 answered “miner,” “cotton spinner,” or “fast fashion garment assembler” when asked what they want to be when they grow up, with “influencer” falling to fourth place after a sharp increase in internet outages caused by 6-year-olds digging into fiber optic cables.

At press time, Congress was debating a new bill that would not only repeal child protections laws but also provide tax incentives to families whose children work 40+ hours a week in “patriotic professions of the 1800s.”