WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another sign that America remains bitterly split on the issues that matter most, a new Pew Research poll released Tuesday revealed the country is locked in fierce debate over whether it would be preferable to cohabitate with one human-sized pigeon or twenty pigeon-sized humans.

According to the survey, 49% of respondents favored the single massive pigeon, citing benefits such as “only having to clean up one giant pile of bird crap instead of twenty tiny ones,” while 49% preferred the miniature humans, describing them as “adorable, potentially employable as shelf elves,” and “less likely to peck your eyes out at 3 a.m.”

“This is the biggest ethical dilemma of our time,” said Dr. Erica Wendell, sociologist and part-time falconer. “You’re either dealing with a six-foot-tall feathery velociraptor who coos like a demon and craps like a cement mixer, or you’re running a dollhouse daycare for a miniature population that can pull your leg hairs out strand by strand.”

The pigeon camp argues that the creature could be trained to deliver oversized letters, carry you to work on its back, or at the very least, be less chatty than 20 half-inch dudes with opinions on everything.

But critics warn that a human-sized pigeon would have the intelligence of a regular pigeon, the flight radius of a small helicopter, and a disturbing tendency to stare into your soul while relieving itself on your laundry.

Meanwhile, the pro-pigeon-sized-human crowd is facing logistical challenges of its own.

“Where do they sleep? What do they eat? Do they pay rent?” asked local woman Tara Goodman, who shudders to imagine the economic baggage of supporting twenty more individuals.

At press time, the government had issued a formal statement urging citizens to “please keep focusing on these real problems which have a huge impact on our collective well-being.”