PORTLAND, OR—Citing a desperate need to clear his mind and reconnect with nature, local man Kyle Freeman, 32, set out on a scenic hike Sunday morning, only to be met with the crushing realization that while his mental health may be in shambles, his physical health is somehow even worse.

“I just wanted to get some fresh air, maybe reset my brain,” Freeman wheezed, bent over with his hands on his knees a mere ten minutes into the trail. “But now, I think my lungs are filing for bankruptcy.”

Freeman, who had spent the past week reading articles on the benefits of hiking for mental clarity, had envisioned himself strolling effortlessly through the woods, inhaling the crisp mountain air, and having deep, introspective thoughts. However, reality struck approximately 300 feet into the trail when his calves seized up, his breath turned to ragged gasps, and his only thoughts consisted of “I’m going to die here” and “Is my heart supposed to feel like it’s about to explode?”

“I thought hiking would be a great way to de-stress,” Freeman said, pausing to grip a tree for balance while pretending to admire the scenery. “Instead, I’m out here reevaluating every life choice that led me to this moment.”

Onlookers reported seeing Freeman, dressed in brand-new but poorly chosen hiking gear, taking an alarming number of breaks and muttering, “This is fine. This is normal,” between painful swigs from his water bottle.

Park ranger Emily Vasquez confirmed this is a common phenomenon among first-time hikers seeking mental clarity. “We see a lot of cases like this—people who think nature will heal them but forget that nature is full of inclines,” she said. “They come for peace and leave with shin splints.”

After finally reaching a scenic overlook—one mile short of his intended goal—Freeman collapsed onto a rock, drenched in sweat and battling an existential crisis. “At least my mind is off my problems,” he admitted. “Mostly because all I can think about is whether my legs will work tomorrow.”

At press time, Freeman vowed to return to hiking after he “trained a little,” which sources confirmed likely meant “never.”