SINGAPORE — Declaring that every crisis is just a career pivot in disguise, 36-year-old Derek Guniawan has updated his LinkedIn profile to include “Geologist” after officially hitting rock bottom last week — and “Nuclear Physicist” just days later following a spectacular emotional meltdown in front of a Toast Box cashier.

“At this point, I’m basically an expert in earth science,” Guniawan said while lying motionless on his bedroom floor, surrounded by receipts, regret, and a fossilized kaya toast. “I’ve spent so much time at the bottom, I’m practically conducting fieldwork… though I could possibly be an ancient amoeba.”

According to friends, Guniawan initially added “Freelance Petrologist” to his CV after sleeping on a cold HDB floor gave him “unique insight into mineral hardness.” However, things escalated rapidly after his passive-aggressive office Whatsapp message exploded into a full-blown existential detonation.

“I was shaking, glowing with rage, and completely unstable,” he said. “That’s when I realized: I am the meltdown. I am nuclear physics.”

Experts confirm Derek’s CV now includes an impressive array of breakdown-based qualifications, including “Structural Engineer” (for holding himself together) and “Astronomer” (because everything feels far away and meaningless).

At press time, Derek was considering adding “Physiotherapist” to his resume after he gave himself a massage while looking in the mirror.