FRANKFURT—Local office worker Evan Carl, 32, who spent his entire childhood and young adulthood meticulously ensuring he never upset anyone, has reportedly succeeded in becoming the human equivalent of plain oatmeal. Sources confirm that Carl, who has mastered the fine art of being inoffensive to the point of near invisibility, is currently employed in a corporate setting where no one can quite remember what he does.

“He’s… uh, nice, I think?” said coworker Jessica Patel, after spending a solid thirty seconds trying to recall anything specific about Carl. “He’s always willing to help out, and I appreciate that, but sometimes I wonder if he has a single opinion about anything. The other day, I asked if he liked the new office coffee, and he said, ‘I don’t mind it, but if you don’t like it, I also understand why you don’t like it.’ And I just… what am I supposed to do with that?”

Carl, who spent his formative years reflexively agreeing with everyone around him, is now so devoid of distinguishing characteristics that his own therapist reportedly has trouble remembering him between sessions.

“I’ve been treating Evan for a year, but I swear, every time he walks in, it’s like a blank slate all over again,” said therapist Dr. Lauren Hayes. “I once asked him to tell me something that made him angry, and he said, ‘Oh, I try not to feel that way, but I totally get why other people would feel anger and that’s valid.’ It was chilling.”

Coworkers say Carl’s extreme neutrality has even affected his ability to make basic life choices.

“I asked what he wanted for lunch, and he just said, ‘Whatever you feel like! I’m just happy to be included,’” said colleague Aaron Boyd. “So we got sushi, but then he mentioned he’s allergic to fish, like, as an afterthought. I don’t think he even wanted to tell me.”

Despite his apparent lack of identity, Mitchell remains well-liked, mostly because no one can recall a single time he has ever been an inconvenience to anyone.