TAMPINES, SINGAPORE — In a bold declaration of self-reinvention, 33-year-old Bryan Lim proudly announced on Monday that he has “completely turned his life around” with a full 360-degree transformation—meaning he has courageously landed right back in the exact same cycle of bubble tea binges, toxic relationships and late-night Telegram drama.

“I’ve really grown,” said Bryan, sipping a brown sugar boba he swore he was quitting “after Chinese New Year.” “I took a long, hard look at myself and made the decision to do a complete 360. New year, new me.”

According to friends, the “new Bryan” briefly flirted with life changes, including downloading a mindfulness app, attending one yoga class at SAFRA, and unfollowing three influencers he once called “wifey.” Unfortunately, he was spotted the next evening back at Clarke Quay ranting about his ex while trying to convince the bartender to play Jay Chou.

“He sent a TikTok to the group chat saying he’s entering his healing era,” said longtime friend Marcus Tan. “Then he disappeared for two days and reappeared asking if anyone had a spare EZ-Link card.”

At press time, Bryan was seen updating his Instagram bio to “Accountability. Growth. Hustle.” while queueing for McSpicy at 3am and texting “u up?” to someone listed in his phone as “Do Not Text.”