AUSTIN, TX — In a cruel twist of romantic fate, 29-year-old marketing coordinator Delilah Greene finds herself hopelessly stranded between two incompatible dating demographics: too emotionally stable for toxic men, yet far too chaotic for the emotionally available.

“I just want someone who respects me, validates me, and lets me scream at them for not texting back in 14 minutes,” Greene sighed, scrolling past another Hinge profile that gave “healthy communication vibes.”

Friends say Greene has spent years rejecting narcissistic personal trainers with commitment issues, only to recoil in horror when introduced to men who journal, drink tea, and ask about her love languages.

“She blocked a guy for sending her a Spotify playlist of calming indie tracks,” said close friend Marissa Tan. “But she once dated a guy named Blade who sold essential oils from his car trunk. For months.”

Experts have dubbed Greene’s condition “Situational Emotional Limbo Disorder,” or SELD—a phenomenon wherein one’s nervous system is calibrated exclusively for chaos, yet their therapist has done just enough work to prevent full relapse.

“I deserve the bare minimum and a thrill,” Greene declared, adding that she dreams of a man who can both hold her accountable and hold her hair back at a dive bar bathroom.

At press time, she was seen ghosting a man who bought her flowers for no reason. “Ugh. What is he hiding?”