SUNNYVALE, CA — Clutching a fillet knife with the precision of a cardiac surgeon, local husband Jeremy Malone, 37, meticulously trimmed the fat off several slices of bacon Saturday morning in a daring operation to accommodate his wife’s complete and utter refusal to eat anything that tastes remotely good.

“It’s basically neurosurgery,” Malone whispered, steadying his trembling hand as he sliced a sliver of fat so thin it might qualify as a theoretical particle. “One slip and she’ll detect 0.03 grams of joy, and it’s over.”

The scene, captured in a solemn photo, shows Malone hunched over the cutting board, visibly panicked and unable to use bananas for scale. “She doesn’t eat bananas either,” he muttered. “Too sweet. Too… fun.”

Though bacon fat is widely considered a gift from the culinary gods, Malone bears no resentment. “She’s a wonderful woman,” he said. “Just one who, tragically, used up all her good taste when she chose me.”

Asked if he considered simply cooking a separate batch of sad, lean bacon, Malone laughed darkly. “That would be easier, yes. But she also doesn’t believe in food waste, joy, or second pans.”

At press time, Malone was preparing a backup batch of bacon for himself, lovingly wrapped in the forbidden trimmings and eaten in secret behind the garage.