WASHINGTON—In a bold move demonstrating America’s unwavering commitment to excess, citizens and policymakers alike have decided that a standard-issue recession is simply too tame and have instead set their sights on the most ambitious economic meltdown in human history.

“Why settle for a mere downturn when we could usher in a full-blown, multi-generational financial apocalypse?” asked Treasury Secretary, flipping through an alarming series of economic charts that closely resemble the downhill trajectory of a malfunctioning rollercoaster. “People keep saying we’re heading for a recession, but honestly, that’s just rookie numbers. We’re aiming for something truly record-shattering.”

Financial analysts confirm that early signs of The Great American Economic Freefall™ include unstoppable inflation, mass layoffs, and an increasing number of citizens using their retirement savings to buy instant noodles in bulk. However, rather than showing concern, many Americans appear to be fully embracing the chaos.

As coherently expressed by Elizabeth Coulson, a MAGA multiple ancient-viruses-incubator cum mouthbreather, “We are Americans. We go big or go home or go to wars. Why should we settle for a recession when we can have The Greate$t DePresSi♡n 4eva?”

Coulson, like many others, believes that if the economy must collapse, it should do so in the most spectacular, Hollywood-worthy fashion possible. “None of this slow-burn, technical-recession crap. We want dust bowls! Bread lines! Unhinged Wall Street bankers dramatically jumping out of skyscrapers!” she added before aggressively investing her last $20 into a cryptocurrency that only exists in a Telegram group chat.

At press time, the Federal Reserve was reportedly considering a variety of aggressive strategies to speed up the financial implosion, including setting interest rates to negative infinity and starting trade war tariffs, just to see what happens.