CINCINNATI—After years of navigating the complicated world of autoimmune disease, local man Kevin Donahue was reportedly informed Tuesday that his best course of action wasn’t modern medicine, treatment plans, or expert consultation, but rather a steady regimen of thoughts and prayers.

“Oh wow, thank you! I never thought of that,” Donahue said, visibly exhausted after yet another round of blood tests and medication adjustments. “I guess all these doctors just wasted their time going to medical school when all they needed was a strong mental attitude and some divine intervention.”

According to sources, Donahue’s revelation came after his well-meaning but medically uninformed coworker, Linda from HR, gently placed a hand on his shoulder and told him that he could probably reverse his entire immune system malfunction if he just “manifested healing energy” and “asked the universe to realign his chakras.”

“I read an article on Facebook about how negativity causes illness,” Linda explained, completely disregarding Donahue’s decades of hospital visits, biopsies, and experimental treatments. “Maybe if you stopped being so stressed about your symptoms, your immune system would just, like, stop attacking itself?”

Medical experts, however, remain sceptical about the efficacy of positive vibes against conditions where one’s own body actively destroys itself.

“We typically recommend actual treatment,” said Dr. Rachel Greene, a specialist in autoimmune disorders, who noted that while a good attitude is helpful, it is not a replacement for functioning organs. “But sure, if Kevin’s immune system can be bullied into behaving by some firm affirmations and a few Hail Marys, we’d love to publish a study on that.”

Despite the overwhelming lack of scientific backing, Donahue has continued to receive an outpouring of unsolicited medical advice from strangers, including suggestions to rub essential oils on his belly button, drink celery juice until his blood becomes pure plant matter, and think really, really hard about not being sick anymore.

At press time, Donahue was considering selling all his immunosuppressants and replacing them with a vision board, three crystals, and a deep-seated belief in planetary movements.