LONDON, 1824—After being mysteriously transported two centuries into the past, local man Kyle Mercer, 32, was initially excited about the opportunity to revolutionize history—until he realized he did not, in fact, possess even a shred of useful knowledge.

“I thought I could at least invent the lightbulb or antibiotics or something,” said Mercer, who has spent the last two months aimlessly wandering the 19th century, trying to explain Wi-Fi to people who don’t even have indoor plumbing. “But it turns out I’ve absolutely no idea how any of that actually works.”

According to witnesses, Mercer’s attempts to contribute to human progress have thus far included vaguely describing cars, drawing an iPhone with zero internal schematics, and insisting that germ theory is real despite being unable to prove it in any meaningful way.

“The locals keep asking me what I can offer society, and all I have to show for myself is a rough sketch of a bicycle,” said Mercer, who has been laughed out of multiple workshops after failing to construct even a basic steam engine. “I tried making penicillin by leaving bread out, but it just got moldy, and some guy named Josiah called me a ‘witch.’”

Despite his best efforts, Mercer has struggled to contribute even minor advancements, as he lacks both practical skills and the ability to explain anything beyond “it just works, trust me.”

“I told a blacksmith I could teach him how to generate electricity, but when he asked me how, I just panicked and said ‘magnets’ and ran away,” said Mercer, who had previously assumed a basic grasp of science memes would be enough to change history.

At press time, Mercer had finally managed to impress a local tavern crowd by remembering how to make a crude version of Coca-Cola, which caused him to burp and choke on his burps.