DENVER, CO—Citing an unwavering commitment to consuming whatever is cheapest, local woman Andrea Morales, 26, confirmed Monday that she is “basically vegan,” but only in the sense that she cannot afford meat, dairy, or really anything beyond rice and canned beans.

“I guess you could say I’ve embraced a plant-based lifestyle,” said Morales, absentmindedly stirring a pot of plain lentils seasoned with exactly one teaspoon of store-brand salt. “Not because of ethics or sustainability or anything—just because eggs are, like, six dollars a dozen now.”

Friends say Morales’ financial situation has unintentionally forced her into a diet that influencers on Instagram would describe as clean eating but which she personally refers to as whatever’s on sale and not expired yet.

“She keeps calling herself a ‘whole foods vegan,’ but I think that’s just because she only eats whole foods, as in, entire raw potatoes,” said roommate Cassie Lang. “Last week, she called chickpeas her ‘favourite protein source’ because they’re 89 cents a can.”

Morales admitted that she sometimes wishes she could indulge in foods outside her plant-based prison, but inflation, higher taxes and rent hikes have made the idea of splurging on something as luxurious as cream cheese a distant dream.

“I’d love to have a burger,” she confessed, wistfully scrolling past photos of steak on her phone. “But unfortunately, my commitment to financial survival prevents me from supporting the meat industry—or any industry, really.”

At press time, Morales was seen rationing a bag of frozen peas while texting her friends about how “veganism has so many benefits” and how grateful she was to her government for imposing higher taxes therefore nudging her towards a healthier lifestyle.

DENVER, CO—Citing an unwavering commitment to consuming whatever is cheapest, local woman Andrea Morales, 26, confirmed Monday that she is “basically vegan,” but only in the sense that she cannot afford meat, dairy, or really anything beyond rice and canned beans.

“I guess you could say I’ve embraced a plant-based lifestyle,” said Morales, absentmindedly stirring a pot of plain lentils seasoned with exactly one teaspoon of store-brand salt. “Not because of ethics or sustainability or anything—just because eggs are, like, six dollars a dozen now.”

Friends say Morales’ financial situation has unintentionally forced her into a diet that influencers on Instagram would describe as clean eating but which she personally refers to as whatever’s on sale and not expired yet.

“She keeps calling herself a ‘whole foods vegan,’ but I think that’s just because she only eats whole foods, as in, entire raw potatoes,” said roommate Cassie Lang. “Last week, she called chickpeas her ‘favourite protein source’ because they’re 89 cents a can.”

Morales admitted that she sometimes wishes she could indulge in foods outside her plant-based prison, but inflation and rent hikes have made the idea of splurging on something as luxurious as cream cheese a distant dream.

“I’d love to have a burger,” she confessed, wistfully scrolling past photos of steak on her phone. “But unfortunately, my commitment to financial survival prevents me from supporting the meat industry—or any industry, really.”

At press time, Morales was seen rationing a bag of frozen peas while texting her friends about how “veganism has so many benefits” and how grateful she was to her government for imposing higher taxes therefore nudging her towards a healthier lifestyle.