EDINBURGH—Local man Jake Ellison, 34, has reportedly been aging with remarkable dignity and poise while patiently waiting for his high school friends to arrive for their long-planned coffee meetup, which was scheduled to start approximately two and a half hours ago.

“I’m sure they’re just running late,” said Ellison, his salt-and-pepper hair catching the neon glow of the café’s light bulbs as he checked his phone for the twelfth time. “Group chats can be chaotic, you know. Maybe they forgot which place we picked.”

According to reports, Ellison, whose posture has improved and stress levels have plummeted in the absence of his friends’ chaotic energy, has spent the past few hours sipping his cappuccino in peaceful reflection while slowly transforming into a wiser, more composed version of himself.

“Honestly, I haven’t felt this good in years,” he admitted, taking a deep breath of the freshly brewed espresso and adjusting his sweater with the refined ease of a man who has made peace with the passing of time. “Maybe I should come here alone more often.”

Friends say the transformation is astonishing, with Ellison exuding an aura of quiet sophistication that suggests he has fully accepted life’s impermanence—an outcome few expected when the plan was first made in the group chat six months ago.

“I used to know a guy named Jake,” said former classmate Ryan Peters, who vaguely recalled agreeing to the meetup before immediately forgetting about it. “But that was a long time ago.”

Despite his newfound sense of inner peace, Ellison reportedly continued holding out hope that his old friends would appear, occasionally glancing at the door with the patient knowing smile of a man who has transcended the petty concerns of the mortal world.

Ellison’s not-unique situation is, of course, reflected in a Shakespearean work.

“When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning or in rain?” Literary historian Mark Jacobs quoted the witches in Shakespeare’s Macbeth. “The true tragedy of this masterful text is the witches finding it challenging to align their schedules despite being adults with a common goal in an era when people simply sat around drinking homemade mead.”

At press time, Ellison was seen ordering a second coffee and reflecting on how some friendships, like good alcohol, only get better with time.