WASHINGTON—Delivering on his long-standing promise to slash taxes for hardworking Americans, president Donald Trump has brilliantly engineered a scenario in which citizens now owe nothing by completely obliterating both stock market and job market.

“Folks, I said I would cut your taxes, and I did. In fact, most of you now pay zero in capital gains tax because, guess what? You have no gains!” Trump declared at a hastily organized press conference, pointing to a historically low number of taxable incomes and investment earnings. “No profits, no taxes. It’s called business genius, y’all?”

Economic analysts confirm that under Trump’s strategy, millions of Americans no longer have to worry about being taxed on their earnings—because they no longer have any. The once-bustling job market has been reduced to a peaceful, stress-free environment of complete economic inactivity, with unemployment reaching levels deeper than the Mariana Trench.

“This is the ultimate tax cut,” said financial analyst Richard Coleman. “We always thought lowering taxes meant reducing rates, but Trump has brilliantly proven you can eliminate them entirely—by eliminating wealth itself.”

Stock market investors, once burdened with pesky capital gains taxes, are reportedly overjoyed by Trump’s economic vision. “At first, I was worried when my 401(k) lost 90% of its value,” said former investor-almost retiree Lisa Graham. “But then I realized—zero profits means zero taxes! Finally, financial freedom!”

At press time, Trump was reportedly considering a bold new initiative to eliminate mortgage payments by ensuring no one can afford a home in the first place.