MEXICO CITY—In a development that ultimately led to nothing of consequence, local woman Angela Martinez, 34, reportedly ripped an earth-shattering fart in her apartment Tuesday evening—a moment that, under different circumstances, could have been a catastrophic biological event. However, since no one was around to bear witness, the incident has been officially classified as “non-news.”

“I felt it coming and braced myself, but once it happened, I realized… no one would ever know,” said Martinez, reflecting on the sheer wasted potential of what experts estimate could have been a Category 4 biochemical attack. “It was the kind of fart that could clear a room, maybe even ruin relationships. But there was no room to clear, no relationships to ruin. It was just me, alone with my own devastation.”

Eyewitness reports—specifically, from Martinez herself—confirm that the blast was loud enough to shake a nearby candle, and the aftermath left her questioning her own dietary decisions. “I don’t even remember eating anything that should have done this,” she said, staring at the crime scene that was her own existence. “Like, where did that even come from?”

Experts in the field of social embarrassment note that Martinez’s situation presents an interesting paradox: an incident powerful enough to disrupt human interaction but ultimately meaningless due to a complete lack of observers.

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?” said Dr. Leonard Frey, an expert in public shame. “Similarly, if a woman lets out a fart that could have caused mass hysteria in a small café, but she’s completely alone, was it even a fart at all? These are the philosophical dilemmas we must grapple with.”

At press time, Martinez was reportedly considering bringing up the event in casual conversation, if only to ensure the world would not be robbed of knowing what could have been. “I could just say, ‘Hey, I nearly bio-bombed my own apartment last night,’ but how do you even bring that up?” she mused, ultimately resigning herself to the knowledge that history would never remember her greatest achievement.