SINGAPORE—In what experts are calling a blatant attempt to subvert the natural order, local resident Jeremy De Souza, 18, has come under scrutiny for his highly irregular method of slicing a pepperoni pizza. Sources confirm De Souza intentionally cut the pizza to avoid slicing through any individual pepperoni, resulting in an uneven, borderline unconstitutional distribution of toppings.

“This is some next-level food gerrymandering,” said roommate Brian Lim, staring in disbelief at the grotesquely divided slices. “Instead of cutting in a normal, logical way, he prioritized keeping entire pepperonis intact—at the cost of any sense of fairness or equal slice distribution. Look at this! Some slices have three full pepperonis, while others barely have one. One piece even has a weird peninsula hanging off. It’s like our election map.”

Eyewitnesses describe De Souza’s actions as a strategic manipulation of pizza slicing techniques to consolidate toppings in a way that benefited only himself. “He claims it was to ‘preserve the integrity of the pepperoni,’ but I think we all know what’s going on here,” said another witness, shaking his head. “This is a classic case of pizza redistricting. He’s making sure that when he grabs his slice, he gets the maximum pepperoni-per-bite ratio, while the rest of us get these weird crust-heavy border zones.”

Experts in pizza ethics weighed in on the scandal, noting that De Souza’s method reflect a deliberate manipulation to maximise self-serving benefits. “This slicing pattern deliberately carves up resources—pepperoni in this case—so that certain individuals end up with a disproportionate advantage,” said Dr. Elaine Cheong, a professor of culinary fairness. “It’s a textbook case of food-based disenfranchisement.”

For his part, De Souza defended his cutting method, claiming that his critics were just bitter because they “didn’t think of it first.” However, sources report that after receiving widespread backlash, he begrudgingly offered to “redraw the district lines” by shuffling slices around—only to conveniently end up with the largest, most pepperoni-rich piece.

At press time, the pizza had been completely eaten, leaving only a deeply divided household and a growing distrust in De Souza’s leadership at future pizza nights.