DALLAS, TX— In a remarkable display of self-assurance, local resident John Doe, 45, has proudly announced that he has never failed at anything in his life, attributing this achievement to his steadfast policy of never attempting anything in the first place.

“I’ve always believed in the power of inaction,” Doe explained during a recent interview. “By not trying, I’ve managed to avoid the crushing disappointment of failure. It’s a foolproof strategy.”

Doe’s approach to life has been characterized by a consistent avoidance of challenges and opportunities. “I don’t apply for jobs I might not get, I don’t start projects I might not finish, and I certainly don’t engage in relationships that might end in heartbreak,” he said. “Why risk failure when you can simply not try?”

His friends and family have expressed mixed reactions to his philosophy. “It’s impressive, in a way,” said his sister, Jackson Doe. “But at the same time, it’s kind of sad. He never takes any chances, never pushes himself. He just… exists.”

Despite the concerns of those around him, Doe remains steadfast in his beliefs. “Some people say I’m wasting my potential,” he said with a shrug. “But I say, what’s the point of potential if you never use it? I’m content with my unbroken streak of success.”

When asked about his future plans, Doe was noncommittal. “I don’t really plan ahead,” he admitted. “Planning involves setting goals, and setting goals involves the possibility of not achieving them. I prefer to take life as it comes, or rather, not take it at all.”

Doe is inspired by marine glass sponges which are often considered the oldest organisms on Earth with an estimated lifespan of up to 15 000 years. “All we have to do is to sit still and pulse along.”

As Doe continues to navigate life without the burden of ambition or effort, he remains a testament to the philosophy that sometimes, the greatest success is found in the art of doing nothing.