Washington, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move that experts say will forever change the future of America’s youth, the defunct Department of Education has unveiled a new mandatory anti-bullying program aimed at “bulldozing kids’ egos” while building their character in the process.

The initiative, titled “Bulldoze to Build”, requires every student, from kindergarten through high school, to undergo daily exercises of vulnerability, public shame, and mandatory bullying roleplay.

“We really felt the best way to teach kids the value of empathy was to make them go through emotionally exhausting scenarios that will leave them questioning their entire self-worth,” said Rebecca McGrath Junior, Senior Director of the Department of Education’s Character Development Initiative. “Instead of just telling them not to bully, we’ve taken it to the next level with hands-on experiences in public humiliation, full-on confessions, and role-reversal scenarios that will leave them forever scarred but also undoubtedly kinder.”

“I mean, it was awkward at first, but after the first three days of public shaming, I felt way more connected to my classmates,” said Sarah, a sixth-grader from Ohio. “Plus, I’ve learned a lot about humility and the importance of groupthink, like when my entire class voted that I should apologize for wearing the wrong shoes last week. Now, I just feel like a better person overall.”

“Sure, it’s a little intense, but you’ve got to break them down to build them up,” said Dr. Tanya Greer, a clinical psychologist working with the program. “I’m sure they’ll thank us for this in 20 years when they become emotionally competent adults capable of dealing with a harsh world. But for now, they’ll probably just cry in the corner for the rest of the day.”

The program has already shown promise in early test groups, with a notable increase in social conformity and obsessive apologizing, although there are still concerns about the program’s toll on children’s well-being.

Some parents have voiced their fullest support. Sarah Heidenberg, mother of three bullies, says, “Finally, my boys get to be bullied. They’ve been waiting for their turns for so long. Really looking forward to the character-building benefits of being bullied!”