AUSTIN, TX — Despite what friends and therapists describe as a glaring array of warning signs, local colorblind woman Jessica Malone remains deeply committed to her boyfriend, reportedly mistaking an overwhelming number of red flags for encouraging green ones.

“When he canceled our anniversary dinner to ‘hang with the boys,’ I just thought, wow, he really values his friendships—what a supportive partner,” said Malone, entirely unfazed by what others might describe as a textbook display of emotional negligence. “Sure, he disappears for days without texting, but maybe he just wants me to have my independence.”

Friends close to Malone expressed growing concern, citing a pattern of behaviors including emotional manipulation, chronic gaslighting, and an unusual fondness for replying to serious concerns with a thumbs-up emoji. “At this point, he could take her credit card, max it out, and she’d call it ‘financial spontaneity,’” said best friend Carly Reynolds. “She genuinely believes his refusal to define the relationship is him ‘keeping things fun and mysterious.’”

Malone, who has lived with red-green colorblindness her entire life, remains optimistic about the relationship’s future. “The way I see it, if he’s willing to openly criticize my personality and appearance, it means he’s invested in my personal growth,” she explained while gleefully recounting the time he “playfully” suggested she change everything about herself.

At press time, Malone expressed excitement that her boyfriend had stopped talking to her altogether, interpreting it as a healthy gesture of giving her space to grow as an individual.