WASHINGTON, D.C. — With egg prices now rivaling that of luxury goods, Americans across the country have begun stockpiling cartons as if preparing for an imminent societal collapse.

“I never thought I’d live to see the day where eggs are a status symbol,” said local resident Dana Mitchell, delicately placing a single dozen of large brown eggs into her shopping cart as if handling a rare artifact. “I told my kids we’re only having eggs on special occasions now, like birthdays and tax refunds.”

Economists attribute the price hike to a combination of inflation, supply chain disruptions, and an ongoing bird flu epidemic, but consumers insist the true reason remains a mystery. “It feels like just yesterday I could buy a whole carton for a couple of bucks. Now, I’m out here comparing loan options just to afford breakfast,” lamented Mitchell. “Should I refinance my mortgage or just switch to oatmeal? It’s a tough call.”

Meanwhile, Wall Street analysts report a surge in underground egg deals, with people meeting in back alleys and suburban driveways to exchange unregulated yolks at below-market rates. “You got the goods?” one anonymous buyer was overheard whispering to a man carrying a duffel bag filled with contraband farm-fresh eggs. “I just need a couple for the weekend, man. Please.”

Politicians have already seized on the crisis, with lawmakers calling for congressional hearings and possible intervention. “If we don’t act now, eggs could become the next cryptocurrency,” warned Senator Mark Reynolds, who recently proposed an Egg Relief Stimulus Package to subsidize omelettes for middle-class families.

Laura Ingelland, a housewife, remains nonchalant. “The trick is to get real fat when food was cheap and store it for an upcoming economic winter. My family has been fattening up for years. We’ll see who will be here after a famine.”