ONTARIO — In a devastating turn of events, local man Jeremy Callahan, 29, has spiraled into a deep existential crisis after an innocuous online fruit quiz determined that his “spirit fruit” is a cantaloupe. Callahan, who initially took the quiz for fun, now finds himself questioning the very essence of his identity and the meaning of life itself.

“I thought I was going to be, like, an apple or a mango, something cool and universally loved,” said Callahan, his face pale as he stared blankly at his laptop. “But no, apparently I’m a cantaloupe. I just don’t get it. What does it even mean? Am I bland and overlooked? Am I a fruit that people only tolerate in salad because they’re too polite to refuse?”

For context, the quiz—which was titled “What Fruit Are You?”—promised to reveal insightful truths about one’s personality based on a series of light-hearted questions. However, for Callahan, the result felt like a soul-crushing revelation. “I don’t even like cantaloupe that much,” he continued, his voice trembling. “It’s too watery and round. It’s just… there.”

Friends and family have expressed concern as Callahan spends hours researching the deeper metaphysical implications of his fruit identity. “He’s been talking about nothing else for days,” said his roommate Sarah. “He’s convinced that being a cantaloupe means he’s destined for a life of mediocrity. He even googled ‘is being a cantaloupe a bad omen?’”

Psychologists suggest that the quiz result may have triggered deep-seated insecurities about Callahan’s self-worth, but he remains determined to “find out what it truly means to be a cantaloupe.”

“I’ll figure it out,” he said, gazing out of the window like an antelope.