WASHINGTON — In a stunning rise to emotional dominance, social anxiety has officially been recognized as the country’s most popular emotional support spirit animal, overtaking perennial favorites like “a chill golden retriever” and “some sort of mystical owl.”

“It’s with me everywhere I go,” said local resident Paige Monroe, describing her faithful anxiety’s tireless dedication to ensuring she replays every conversation she’s ever had at 3 a.m. “Whenever I start feeling too comfortable, it gently reminds me that everyone definitely thinks I’m weird.”

Experts say social anxiety’s growing popularity stems from its ability to provide a consistent sense of dread in any situation. “Unlike a traditional emotional support animal, social anxiety requires no special training—it just naturally fills every silence with the overwhelming feeling that you’ve said something humiliating,” said Dr. Erin Hall, a leading researcher in overthinking and imaginary judgment.

Social anxiety’s skills are remarkably versatile, seamlessly appearing in scenarios ranging from small talk with a cashier to panic-induced paralysis at office happy hours. “It’s like an all-in-one emotional Swiss Army knife, except every tool is designed to make eye contact feel like a life-threatening experience,” Dr. Hall added.

Despite its constant, nagging presence, many have grown to appreciate the loyalty social anxiety provides. “It never leaves my side,” Monroe confirmed. “Just the other day, it helpfully reminded me that a stranger’s slight smile was absolutely, definitely mocking me.”

At press time, social anxiety was reportedly considering a rebrand as a “hyper-vigilant friendship guardian,” ensuring no moment of peace or self-confidence goes unchallenged.