SAN FRANCISCO — In a bold display of leadership, major tech companies have officially mandated a return to the office, ensuring that employees can now be micromanaged and disregarded in person rather than from the comfort of their own homes.

“Remote work was destroying our ability to pretend we’re fostering a collaborative, innovative environment,” said Benjamin Tang, senior VP of Operations at SynerTech Solutions, as he prepared to sit in a three-hour meeting that could have been an email. “Having everyone back under fluorescent lighting guarantees that employees can once again feel the crushing weight of corporate indifference in real time.”

Tech workers, many of whom moved across the country to escape Silicon Valley’s astronomically high rent, expressed concern that returning to the office would cut into their productivity. “Before, I could write an entire software patch in the time it takes to commute,” said DevOps engineer Lisa Chang. “Now, I get to spend an hour in traffic so I can join a Zoom call from a cubicle instead of my couch.”

Company executives insist that in-person work fosters creativity and collaboration, which experts interpret as, “We’re paying a lot for this office space and refuse to admit it was a bad investment.” Despite no measurable increase in productivity from on-site work, businesses are doubling down, installing ping-pong tables and kombucha taps in a desperate attempt to justify the move.

At press time, employees were seen slouching at their desks, basking in the indifferent glow from blue screen technology.