LONDON — In a bold move to reinforce the city’s long-standing tradition of passive-aggressive hostility toward the unhoused, London officials have proudly unveiled a new series of anti-homeless spikes that urban planners describe as “a seamless blend of Victorian cruelty and modern architectural indifference.”

“These spikes aren’t just about preventing people from sleeping here,” said city planner Nigel Wentworth, proudly gesturing toward a freshly installed row of menacing steel protrusions beneath a bridge. “They’re a statement. A declaration that while London may be an international hub of culture and progress, it still has the emotional warmth of an abandoned refrigerator.”

The spikes, which are designed to make resting anywhere a physical impossibility, have already received glowing praise from local business owners who were reportedly tired of being reminded that poverty still exists. “Before, I’d have to look at actual human suffering on my morning commute,” said banker Edward Harrington while sipping a £7 latte. “Now, I can just enjoy the clean, sterile aesthetic of jagged metal embedded in concrete.”

Advocacy groups have marched against these measures claiming that London is hobophobic. City officials insist the move is an innovative solution to homelessness. “It’s important that we tackle this crisis head-on by making it absolutely impossible for homeless individuals to exist in public spaces,” Wentworth continued. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ve already started brainstorming Phase Two: coin-operated benches, spike-rigged doorways, and a city-wide ban on empathy”